my hands see work-lots of work these days. i like the way my hands look in the summer. they're covered in blisters, cuts, grease embedded deep into the cracks between my fingernails and skin, old scars, and the dark hue that has been cast by the rays of the sun. my hands look like books in the summer, but not written in plain english or a times new roman font. they are canvases covered in small details. each cut on the back of my hand has a different shape, perhaps from working to fast and brushing my hand across a barb on a cool morning, or from bracing against a wrench using the muscles in my shoulder and bicep to loosen a rusty bolt that gives so suddenly that my reflexes cannot harness the power that my arm was holding as it careens my knuckles into a bystanding metal object. each cut on my hand is from a specific incident, which in turn was in a specific place and time, and was part of a whole chore. and each chore was part of a plan that came from my head after instruction from another. And, when i look at my hands and find a cut that i remember, all of these other details subconciously flood my head. other people see cut and calloused hands when they look at the two i have, but i see a story etched in these hands.

Once a horse died. It was not my fault that she died, but it was my fault she suffered. One wonders if horses forgive.

jesus, it's hard for me to settle down.

I realized recently that I cannot fix everything, but I also realized that I am not someone who can watch things happen. It's a hard realization, and one that I will battle forever.

I Was Trying to Describe You to Someone

by Richard Brautigan

I was trying to describe you to someone a few days ago. You don't look like any girl I've ever seen before.

I couldn't say "Well she looks just like Jane Fonda, except that she's got red hair, and her mouth is different and of course, she's not a movie star..."

I couldn't say that because you dont look like Jane Fonda at all.

I finally ended up describing you as a movie I saw when I was a child in Tacoma Washington. I guess I saw it in 1941 or 42, somewhere in there. I think I was seven, or eight, or six.

It was a movie about rural electrification, a perfect 1930's New Deal morality kind of movie to show kids. The movie was about farmers living in the country without electricity. They had to use lanterns to see by at night, for sewing and reading, and they didn't have any appliances like toasters or washing machines, and they couldn't listen to the radio. They built a dam with big electric generators and they put poles across the countryside and strung wire over fields and pastures.

There was an incredible heroic dimension that came from the simple putting up of poles for the wires to travel along. They looked ancient and modern at the same time.

Then the movie showed electricity like a young Greek god, coming to the farmer to take away forever the dark ways of his life. Suddenly, religiously, with the throwing of a switch, the farmer had electric lights to see by when he milked his cows in the early black winter mornings. The farmer's family got to listen to the radio and have a toaster and lots of bright lights to sew dresses and read the newspaper by.

It was really a fantastic movie and excited me like listening to the Star Spangled Banner, or seeing photographs of President Roosevelt, or hearing him on the radio "... the President of the United States... "

I wanted electricity to go everywhere in the world. I wanted all the farmers in the world to be able to listen to President Roosevelt on the radio....

And that's how you look to me.

---

Richard Brautigan

Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levis

And each night begins a new day



And if you don't understand him and he don't die young
You'll probably just ride away



Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys



They'll never stay home and they're always alone



Even with someone they love

I have had a hard time lately figuring out who I am, and I think this post is as much about explaining myself to me as it is for anyone else.

My favorite things:
A good song
Riding alone in the desert with a few cows (once my grandfather dropped me off several miles from the ranch to gather eleven rogue pairs. I was hungry, cold, and it rained, but i was completely happy)
The smell of horse sweat
cattle drives
My family
old timers
good stories
good books
A hard days work
old movies
being too tired to eat
building fence
building/creating
writing(when i do)
challenges
playin guitar/singing (even if my skills are limited)
lost country singers
motorcycles
open road with new music
hiding out
jam sessions with friends
Getting to know people (it's like opening presents)
camaraderie
being generous (also a downfall in college)
Fritos (my cat)
troubled kids
pushing my limits (love/hate)
the smell of a cigarette smoke in a bar or house(weird, but it reminds me of old friends of my grandpa's that i am close to)
smoking cigarettes(i am not a smoker cause it's so unhealthy, but if it wasn't i would be)
my mom
once in a while you meet someone you can visit with for hours, and you find that you are really actually intrigued by what they have to say, not just what you have to tell them. i like that.
my grandpas sentimental speeches
when my grandpa gets teared up
that my grandmother worries about me more than a grandma should
getting to grow up having different sets of parents (grandparents, parents and uncles)
camping
funny people
ranching
watching an animal give birth/be born
bringing people together
drinking out of streams, and jumping in the really cold ones
culture
exercise(climbing, running, lifting, anything really)
things not yet discovered


Things that i hate:
watching people around me hurt and not being able to fix it
watching people around me make bad decisions and not being able to stop them
drinking more than i should
hurting people i care about
being bad at things
debbie downers
getting out of sleeping bags when it's cold
ignorance
mean people, not towards me- i can handle it, but towards others
makeup on girls (a little is good at times, but wearing lots of makeup is like lying)
being treated the way i was in highschool
people who do not take care of their animals
when i don't spend enough time with my own
losing my temper with an animal
lying
watching an animal die painfully or suffer (especially if it was my fault, which has happened before, i will never forget it)
putting an animal down
people trying to take over what i'm doing, even if they are better at it, for chrissakes just lemme figure it out
worrying all the time
sitting in classrooms
when i am lazy
slow people
i don't hate people who cheat, i have good friends who do. but i myself hate the idea all together
settling



Things that hurt me:
a few people i love
my mom if she wants to (rarely, and only if i deserve it)
Myself
and someone else i haven't met yet will probably have that ability

Things i am scared of:
losing those i love
judgment
river kayaking (did it once, thought i was going to die)
disappointing certain people
losing myself
being vulnerable